Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
