I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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