Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
