apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
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He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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