I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
