Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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