She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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