wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My Higher Power is John Stamos
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
