I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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