I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
