Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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