I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
