Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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