Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
