I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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