I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
