There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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