I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
