i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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