On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
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I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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