jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
