I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Pants are for mortals
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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