On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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