I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
