we made out on top of his cat.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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