Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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