Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
