my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
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I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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