i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
