Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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