I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
