I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
