ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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