K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It's Friday. Sex?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
