Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
