Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
