Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
nutella sex= disaster
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
