when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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