I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
