I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
