my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
