You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
