Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
