We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
