Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
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All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
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As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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