She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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