I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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