Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
