Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
