I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
