Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
