Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
