i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
