I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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