I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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